Michael Lakota Dillon wasn't born, so much as he was hatched, on October 6, 1992. He is half-god and half-manbearpig. He was raised in a forest by wolves and bears. He learned to subsist on fast-food and jelly donuts. He has extreme body dysmorphia and often thinks that he is much more buff/fat than he truly is. He likes Del Taco and KFC Popeyes. If found in the wild, do not approach due to him thinking that he's actually a ninja.


Michael started acting because he thought it was funny to scream real loud into a microphone. He likes to often get drunk on set and start fights with the local hobos. He donated his hair to Locks of Love, but then couldn't grow it back so bought a wig instead.

One day, while perusing his favorite eating establishment, Pizza Del Re, he met a gargantuan woman who fought him for the last slice of pizza. After defeating her in an epic battle, Michael proposed to her. She accepted and now they have 85 children together.

Michael tragically died this past Tuesday at Pizza Del Re due to stuffing his face with all the pizza he could. Gregg tried to revive him using his epic RN skills, but the pizza clogged Michael's blow hole too much.

Michael's ghost now haunts Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory, where all of his children now are enslaved and dressed as Oompa Loompas.


Trivia[edit | edit source]

  • Is a former pro-tennis player.
  • Great-nephew of Russell Means.
  • Owns a 1999 issue of Bear Magazine.
  • Is an American Indian of the Lakota Sioux Nation.
  • His favorite restaurant is Pizza Del Re.
  • Loves to butt chug White Claw.
  • Has a Let's Play Channel.
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